more than a feeling

      You know that saying “I was at the church every time the doors were open”? Yeah, that was me. I don’t think I have very many early childhood memories that did not include a sanctuary. I grew up in a family that prioritized their faith and looked to the Lord. Even though I’ve experienced trials and hardships, the Lord has been a constant in my life.

                  Being someone who has walked with God all her life, it’s easy to fall into performance with the Lord. I subconsciously started believing that feeling the presence of God or having an emotional experience during worship was a sign that my relationship with Him was flourishing and He was close. I had not realized that I had fallen into this lie until I started becoming depressed and condemned when the presence of God did not manifest the way I had experienced it in the past. The presence of God had been familiar, and when I did not have any emotional encounters in worship or during service, I began to doubt my faith.

                  It seemed that all the big leaders of faith in the Bible had this closeness with God. I felt that I had failed or was not listening hard enough or being a good enough Christian. I think this is a lie that we can all fall into when we do not understand the heart of God. We need to lean not on our own understanding of how God works (Proverbs 3:5-6). Sometimes the Lord shows Himself in different ways. Sometimes it is through an outpouring of the Holy Spirit that makes you fall to your knees weeping, and sometimes His presence comes in a still small voice that you can miss if you aren’t paying attention.

                  God does not need to puff Himself up to be noticed. It is juvenile to believe that God can only come close and commune with us in a specific way. God does not come based on our performance or the way we raise our hands in worship. He comes in the ways that He chooses when He chooses. But do not think that God has left you, He never will. Sometimes His communication with us looks different in varying seasons.

                  I listened to a song titled “more than a feeling” and no it is not the well-known 70’s rock song. There is a line within this sweet melody that states, “you’re so much more than just a feeling, you’re not a means to an end to me.” I heard that line and wept. I wept bitterly. I looked back on my walk with Him and watched how many times I was seeking a spiritual high, some emotional response that showed me that He loved me. A joyful feeling full of love and kindness that would be a fix until my next worship service.

How cruel. How despicable. How could I use God for a feeling? How could I seek the King of Kings and Lord of Lords out simply to have a spiritual experience?

I know there are some of us who have been used by others. Who have had people in our lives chase after us or use us for a feeling. If I’ve experienced this and know the devastation and heartbreak that it can bring, how could I do this to God?

                  This song permeated my thoughts and heart over several months. It became a heart cry, a genuine expression of my true love and desire for the Lord. My heart shifted from a heart chasing that high emotional experience, to a heart content with the sweet small moments that produced no feeling or emotional response. May my heart never stop yearning to be with the Lord simply for who He is, not for what He gives or does (Deuteronomy 4:29). No matter what happens in my own life, may my every day walk reflect a girl who is madly in love with a God who is holy and worthy of her praise.